This is the secret of your failure - you are moving upstream. You are worried, tense, in anguish, in anxiety, almost going mad - anybody will go mad if they are constantly going upstream because the fight is so hard and so meaningless.
One day you will feel tired and then it will look like a frustration, a failure. The wise man leaves this upstream nonsense; he simply allows the river to take him wherever it is going. If it is going anywhere, good; if it is not going anywhere, good.
Suddenly you are still, silent. Only then, never before, does real meditation happen and all effort is dropped. But you have to make the effort first, otherwise you will never understand that it has to be dropped.